Been gone...

I am not here
I don't know where I am
If you find me, bring me back
Put me where I'm suppose to be...

ナイトメア

昨夜、悪夢を見た。
記憶は曖昧でよく覚えてない。
ただ、小さかった頃の思い出。
公園で仲間外れにされていて、
暗い底に取り残されたような夢だった。

目を覚めると汗びっしょりで、
身体は震えていた。
抑えるのにかなり時間がかかった。

そして、嘔吐。
あやうく倒れそうになった。

おかげで今日は１日中、やる気が出なかったよ。
それでも、夕方からの仕事も

卒なくこなすことができたから、良かったかな。

悪夢をみると大抵こうなる。
ホントに嫌になるぐらいに。

そう言う時に限って寂しい気持ちが生まれて、
誰かにメールをしたくなる。

けど、返信の内容が怖くていつも削除する。
その繰り返しだった。

今日は眠れるだろうか…。

Sundays should not start with suckage...

Xanax for breakfast is not how I like to start my day. Well, technically, Xanax and Coke. Dammit I'm just a buzzing for no good reason right now. Crap thoughts keep racing through my mind, and I feel the anxiety throughout my body. Hopefully a hot shower will help.

You know it's one of those days when...

It’s one of those days, those thinking days. You know when everything gets to you and there's no escape. I really feel directionless at the moment. Well, I guess that seems to be the theme of my life, constantly waiting for something to happen; rotting away slowly. The long corridor, white-washed and plain; running but getting nowhere. Some people get everything, others nothing. Some just constantly lose everything and everyone.

It's funny how life works out. You can go out with one person and everyone will love you; go out with another and you're public enemy number one, seemingly the worst thing to have ever happened to them. I mean I should feel happy, I have most things I need; but what good is that if you hate yourself? I should be used to people disliking me by now, I mean it happens all the time, but for someone who just wants to be left alone, it kind of gets to me a bit when people starts having personal opinions about you. I got told today that I 'have a strong image, it really suits you, but it's an issue. Clients will be offended and complain.' F* off.

Seriously though, what the f* is the meaning of my life? Why the hell am I here? I used to think I knew, but now I have no f*ing clue. I'm just scrambling around in the dark. I guess I'm kind of lost right now, and that's something I thought I'd never hear myself say. I don’t know, it's like I've done what I was meant to and that I'm not meant to be here, that there's nothing else for me but to roll forward with nothing. I feel tired, seriously tired. Oh well, I guess it's just another one of those days...

Suck, you suck!

I enter my room to find that the bottom feeder I bought (an algae-eater appropriately dubbed Suck) six months ago has swum to the top of the tank just to wedge itself in between the wall and the filter. And let’s be clear, he does this at the top of the filter, so that his dumb little heads poke up, not up from the bottom where the water actually enters the device.

Come on, Suck. Is it really that important that you fit in? Be an individual. Just Say No to filters.

PS: I do not have a camera handy, so i'll just pose a recent pic of him in his Sunday's best.

disconnected...

...I feel like I'm constantly disconnecting from reality again. I mean yesterday morning I was convinced it was Tuesday, I couldn't get my head round the fact that it was Saturday. I was like 'what?'... It feels like my brain wanted to simply snap and f* off into the other side for the rest of eternity.

It's weird. I dunno. People around me can't stimulate me like it used to. I just view it all with various levels of disinterest. It's getting hard to hide it from my facial expressions.

I got really pissed yesterday coz some stranger told me I have the reputation for being 'a player'. I mean how can someone I don't even know have an opinion on me? How did they hear about it? Who from? Why is it people always seem to talk in whispers behind my back? I'm f*ing impossible to get along with, or maintain my interest... so how does that make me a player? Or maybe it does. Oh well, I can't be f*ed even thinking about it.

Processing Dreams

Last night I read the article my therapist provided me about EMDR, and started writing down memories I might want to process.

Between reading how I'd relive the traumatic experiences, and all the feelings associated with them, in EMDR, and thinking about my traumatic memories, I guess I should have expected to have bad dreams.

But somehow, it didn't occur to me. And I had one of those dreams I really hate. A NEEDLE dream, with sense of touch included.

Now, some of you know I have a thing for blood, but weirdly enough, I hate needles. I'm kinda phobic of them, really. This includes piercing needles as well as, you know, hypodermics. One of the most memorable nightmares I ever had was of me having a large needle pierced through my side, and I could FEEL it.

Last night I dreamed I was full of IVs...or at least, that's what they were supposed to be. They were inserted all over my body, in just about every vein I thought I had. I was so sore, and every time I moved, I could feel them inside. I couldn't stand them, couldn't stand the thought of them, so I endeavored to pull them out. And I did. One by one, I pulled each silver needle out of a vein and flung it towards a nearby trash can.

It hurt.

This dream was easy enough to analyze, but still trippy to wake up from. I guess I can expect more of them as I go through this process.

...

[transferred from facebook notes. written on Mar 13th]

僕の幸せをかえせ

僕の生きる意味をかえせ

僕のすべてだったのに

僕のことをぜんぶ解ってくれていたのは

あいつだけだったのに

ずっとずっとつよいくすりを飲んで

ごまかしごまかし生きるよりも

現実をみとめようと思った日から

アレを辞めた

狂っていたのはもともとだから

今更おかしくなってしまっても

どうでもいい...

もうどうでもいい...

死に切れない自分がが悪いんだ

死ねる理由をさがして

自分で自分を傷つけている...

PS: 最近結構やばいかも...

Today I am Hiding...

[transferred from facebook notes. written on Mar 13th]

Every year, I come closer and closer to running away. 

There are days when I consider running off until I run out of breath. There are days when I think about just walking out the door and continuing until I can no longer move. There are days when I do not leave my house because I am afraid of where I will end up if I cannot control the urge to get the f* out of here.

I don't like noise. I don't like people. I don't like that my voice often likes to speak without the necessary brain approval. 

I don't like myself outside of my bedroom. I don't like who I am around other people. 

I'm slow and flustered. I'm embarrassed and wary. I can never think of any decent sort of comeback, but I will figure out at least five good ones three hours later. 

I hate how exhausted I feel after being in public. I hate how frustrated I get with people around me. I hate being conscious. 

I hate how they feel and how they sound and how they smell. I hate their mannerisms and their habits. I hate their interests and their discussions. 

Everything is roughened meat sliding along a cheese grater. 

The days that I think about leaving, the days I think about never speaking again, the days I think that sleeping for the rest of my life is the answer are coming closer and closer together. 

I want to disappear for a while

Like Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread

[transferred from facebook notes. written on Mar 8th]

Feeling drained, worn out, or stretched too thin?

Yeah, me too.

I like feeling tired. 'Tired' usually means that I have done something productive. 'Tired' is the feeling I get after writing a few articles and finishing a project. 'Tired' is the feeling I get after rearranging my business plans. 'Tired' is the feeling i get after running through my favorite books. I like tired.

I even like sore. 'Sore' is a great feeling. I’ve started jogging/walking (I’m so out of shape) twice a week and it's fantastic feeling sore. I know I've done something. I can feel my muscles working. Sore is worth feeling.

But yesterday, actually the whole of this week, I felt ‘drained’. 'Drained' never follows anything good. 'Drained' happens when I’ve been trying to do something productive for too long. I just put more and more energy into an endeavor and I come up short. 'Drained' is usually accompanied by feelings of uselessness.

And related to 'drained' is my good friend worn out. 'Worn out' happens to me far too often. 'Worn out' happens when I’ve done more productive things than I should have. Yeah, it's nice to get work done early, but after a while, a load of worksheets, and some reading, i just feel 'worn out'. 'Tired' cubed. Or more.

Then of course, ‘stretched thin’; my favorite. I have a fuzzy understanding of my limits, and 'stretched thin' is a common companion. Sometimes, I just have too many different things to do. 'Stretched thin' doesn’t often happen with a lot of work, or a lot of excels, or projects. I can orient myself to focus in one of those directions if I need to. 'Stretched thin' happens when I have a lot of work and a lot of excels and a lot of projects and a lot of sideline planning to be done. Most of you here know that I work four jobs and with the multiple things that I need to do simultaneously, I can't orient myself in any direction.

I have a mental list of things that I need to do soon. I need to write them down and sort through them. Hopefully, at the end of the day, I’ll only feel 'tired'.